A new year with new ideas...

I'm alive.

I haven't done anything so far this cycle. No soy, no OPKs, no ferning microscope... hell, I only checked my cervix for the first time today. I'm still temping, obviously. I've never really been stressed by temping and it's so much an automatic habit anymore, so I'm fine with that.

I ordered a couple of things from Amazon. I ordered a book called Inconceivable by Julia Indichova and a yoga DVD set called Restoring Fertility. I found the book used for $4.87, which was a steal! The DVD was regular priced, but I'm a bit excited about it.

The DVD was designed by Brandon Horn and Wendy Yu, two of the most knowledgeable Chinese medicine practitioners working in the specialty field of infertility. They've broken down the sessions by phase of cycle, so there are 4 different sessions, one each for your menstrual phase, follicular phase, ovulatory phase and luteal phase.

They explain how we're always encouraged to exercise when TTC. Each session has postures that focus on supporting what your body is trying to accomplish during that phase (shedding lining, building follies, transporting egg through tubes, implanting, etc). I've seen plenty of Prenatal Yoga DVDs, but I hadn't seen much on fertility... let alone something that focuses so much on the individual phases of the cycle, so I figured I'd give it a shot. Granted, I missed out on the first 2 phases for this cycle, but no matter.

Inconceivable is about a woman who, upon trying for her 2nd child, discovers she has an FSH of 42 (ovaries not producing fertilizable eggs) While this is not my issue, this book hit home for me in so many ways. I identified with her in so many different places and different ways. The age issue she faced, her thoughts, her fears. I related to just about every experience of doctor's offices and waiting rooms, wondering if your Dr. actually knows who you are or if you're just another chart and overhearing conversations from other women.

I identified with her feelings of guilt for wanting "more" when she had so much already... The ups and downs and everything in between, she tells other women's stories towards the end and it seemed in so many ways that they were also my story. The same tests, the same drugs, the same procedures... all in the same order... all with the same outcome.

To make a long story short... she pretty much gets herself off of the Western Medicine roller coaster and starts looking at more natural approaches to bettering herself through the foods they ate, herbs, etc. I found a bit of kinship in that as well, because I was raised with a lot of natural remedies that were handed down from my Grandmother. The author tries a lot of stuff, some of which makes you laugh! But she makes some pretty serious changes to her family's life/diet/etc with fantastic results.

So, while I'm not tossing my chicken wings out the window and jumping on the next New Age Veggie wagon out of town... It was an uplifting read at a time when I needed lifting. It was both encouraging and thought provoking. It seemed to reaffirm thoughts I'd already had.

I've made mention of the digestive troubles I have and I've often wondered to myself if that is a road block on Baby Blvd. I've wondered if my body won't let me get pregnant while my digestive system is in such a state of flux.

Needless to say, I've got plenty of food for thought and topics for research...

I Will Be Better...

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as my own body has betrayed me. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

And yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

~ UNKNOWN

Another failure...

Another month with an empty womb. Joy and revelation.

I know I shouldn't have expected much. We've been taking a break from all of the medical intervention while getting moved and settled into the new place... but my body really decided to throw me a curve this time.

When I'm not on drugs, there are generally about 10-11 days that lapse between the time the I ovulate and the time that lovely red dragon rears her ugly head. So you can imagine my excitement as 12 days passed, then 13, 14 and 15!

I'm not big on the whole pregnancy test thing for a number of reasons. Number one, those things can be expensive. Yes, I can get cheap ones online or at the $ store, but they're not always the most reliable. Secondly, it just flat out sucks seeing one lonely line month after month after month. So I just wait unless I've got reeeeeally good reason to think something might be happening.

Well, making it to 15 dpo seemed like a pretty good reason to me. So I let myself take a test, only to get the exact same result I get every single time. Sure enough, less than 30 minutes later The Hag was kicking down the door.

On to Cycle #22.

Ring experience…

I'm 37 years old and have had paranormal experiences my entire life. I've never really been afraid because it's always been there and nothing has ever seemed intent on harming me. I acknowledge it's presence and it tends to be satisfied with that. Barring a few experiences at my old house in Harrisburg. 

Now that we’ve just moved into the new apartment and D got all of our entertainment stuff hooked up to the internet, so I've been getting caught up on the last couple of seasons of Paranormal State via Netflix streaming while unpacking, doing laundry, etc.

Because I've been watching the show, D and I were discussing our own experiences over dinner a few nights ago. Since then, we've noticed the lights in the ceiling fan over our dining room table have begun to flicker on occasion. I checked to see if perhaps the bulbs were loose, but they were in tightly. 

Saturday night we went to bed as usual... nothing out of the ordinary. Until I woke up in the middle of the night because I could feel that my wedding rings weren't on my fingers any more. I opened my eyes enough to see my engagement ring dangling on my ring finger, but my wedding band was completely missing. Upon waking fully and checking the bed, I found my band hidden under my pillow.

Okay, here's what makes this weird:

My rings are not easily removed. I have to wiggle the rings and stretch my finger just to get them off. So I'm hard pressed to believe that I wriggled out of them in my sleep. I've also been married and wearing these rings for almost a year now and they've never come off before.

Also, the order in which I wear my rings. I wear my band first with my engagement ring second. I'm at a loss as to how I could have removed my engagement ring to get to my band, left my band under my pillow and then put my engagement ring back onto the tip of my finger... all in my sleep. 

I wondered if one of my rings possibly caught on the pillowcase while I was asleep. But if that's the case, then I would think that I should have woken with my band on instead as that's the ring I wear closest to my body, or both rings should've been under the pillow.

Things had been moderately quiet, barring the things at the house we just moved from… but people died there, so what do you expect? I found myself wondering if I was still sensitive.

Seems I may have gotten my answer.

Test

This is a test.  My husband setup Windows Live Writer for me and this is a test post to see if it works.

~N~

I'm pretty tired...

Times are tough. There's no doubt about that.

I've often read about difficult times in history. When people find kinship in their times of despair. The sentiment that "We're all in it now" overtakes the day and all heads are put together in the name of finding solutions for everyone. I've been waiting, hopefully. As they say, history repeats itself.

I'm coming more and more to the conclusion that history has either opted to sit this one out or, more frighteningly yet, that we're encountering something altogether new and unknown.

Sadly, many of my "fellow Americans" seem to have little to no interest in finding solutions for all. Many seem to find no redeeming value in uniting with their fellow countrymen instead wishing to cut them off at the knees and dance while watching them bleed. I've seen heads stomped on, dollar bills literally thrown at a terminally ill man as he sat in peaceful protest and a level of disdain for one another that I cannot recall in my lifetime.

I'm tired of being told I'm not a "true patriot" because I come from a big city on the East Coast and I like books. I'm tired of being told that conservatives are the "Values Voters", as if conservative values are the only values in existence.

I'm tired of the never ending drumbeat of those demanding our president prove he was born in this country. I'm tired of people making Senior Citizens into bandits for cashing the Social Security checks they worked long and hard for, and I'm equally tired of the Senior Citizens who, upon cashing said check, wish to cut off the spigot for the next generation.

I'm tired of hearing about people who want their country back. Exactly which America would they like to go back to? The recurring theme seems to be the America where a grown black man could be called "Boy", a secretary could be smacked in the ass as a sign of a job well done and Woolworth could tell you that they weren't going to serve you a damn thing. The offense that pining for this time in history evokes seems lost on them.

I'm tired of the screaming and howling about the government "take over" of Detroit, all the while ignoring the millions of jobs that single move saved. I'm tired of "progressives" beginning all of their negotiations from a position of compromise. I'm tired of them being weak as water and allowing both their narratives and accomplishments to be perverted and twisted into mockeries of themselves.

I'm tired of intellect and the arts being demonized as if they are a scourge on the face of society while batshit crazy theories are spouted as if their tenants are as concrete as relativity and gravity. I'm tired of hearing the Right Wing wring it's hands in worry and fear. "Attention American People: We have a black Democrat as president. The country will spontaneously burst into flames at any given moment using the bodies of your infant sons and daughters as the fuel. You don't agree with burning babies, do you?!?!?!"

I'm tired of watching politicians tell bold face lies on television and the hosts who allow them to do it. I'm tired of politicians serving their corporate masters instead of the people who actually vote them into and out of office. I'm tired of the spin. I'm tired of the rhetoric. I'm tired of this complete and total breakdown. I'm tired in anticipation of the gridlock or possible impeachment inquiry that is yet to come.

You see, we have no more Statesmen. Long gone are the days when members of Congress argued heartily on the Senate floor by day, only to break bread together by night and come away with a compromise that further's the business of the people. They are far too busy burning the midnight oil devising the best campaign strategy for an election that's 2 years away.

It's a small wonder I'm so damn tired...

Oops