Tuesday, December 14, 2010

I Will Be Better...

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as my own body has betrayed me. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

And yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

~ UNKNOWN

Monday, November 22, 2010

Another failure...

Another month with an empty womb. Joy and revelation.

I know I shouldn't have expected much. We've been taking a break from all of the medical intervention while getting moved and settled into the new place... but my body really decided to throw me a curve this time.

When I'm not on drugs, there are generally about 10-11 days that lapse between the time the I ovulate and the time that lovely red dragon rears her ugly head. So you can imagine my excitement as 12 days passed, then 13, 14 and 15!

I'm not big on the whole pregnancy test thing for a number of reasons. Number one, those things can be expensive. Yes, I can get cheap ones online or at the $ store, but they're not always the most reliable. Secondly, it just flat out sucks seeing one lonely line month after month after month. So I just wait unless I've got reeeeeally good reason to think something might be happening.

Well, making it to 15 dpo seemed like a pretty good reason to me. So I let myself take a test, only to get the exact same result I get every single time. Sure enough, less than 30 minutes later The Hag was kicking down the door.

On to Cycle #22.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Ring experience…

I'm 37 years old and have had paranormal experiences my entire life. I've never really been afraid because it's always been there and nothing has ever seemed intent on harming me. I acknowledge it's presence and it tends to be satisfied with that. Barring a few experiences at my old house in Harrisburg. 

Now that we’ve just moved into the new apartment and D got all of our entertainment stuff hooked up to the internet, so I've been getting caught up on the last couple of seasons of Paranormal State via Netflix streaming while unpacking, doing laundry, etc.

Because I've been watching the show, D and I were discussing our own experiences over dinner a few nights ago. Since then, we've noticed the lights in the ceiling fan over our dining room table have begun to flicker on occasion. I checked to see if perhaps the bulbs were loose, but they were in tightly. 

Saturday night we went to bed as usual... nothing out of the ordinary. Until I woke up in the middle of the night because I could feel that my wedding rings weren't on my fingers any more. I opened my eyes enough to see my engagement ring dangling on my ring finger, but my wedding band was completely missing. Upon waking fully and checking the bed, I found my band hidden under my pillow.

Okay, here's what makes this weird:

My rings are not easily removed. I have to wiggle the rings and stretch my finger just to get them off. So I'm hard pressed to believe that I wriggled out of them in my sleep. I've also been married and wearing these rings for almost a year now and they've never come off before.

Also, the order in which I wear my rings. I wear my band first with my engagement ring second. I'm at a loss as to how I could have removed my engagement ring to get to my band, left my band under my pillow and then put my engagement ring back onto the tip of my finger... all in my sleep. 

I wondered if one of my rings possibly caught on the pillowcase while I was asleep. But if that's the case, then I would think that I should have woken with my band on instead as that's the ring I wear closest to my body, or both rings should've been under the pillow.

Things had been moderately quiet, barring the things at the house we just moved from… but people died there, so what do you expect? I found myself wondering if I was still sensitive.

Seems I may have gotten my answer.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Test

This is a test.  My husband setup Windows Live Writer for me and this is a test post to see if it works.

~N~

Sunday, November 7, 2010

I'm pretty tired...

Times are tough. There's no doubt about that.

I've often read about difficult times in history. When people find kinship in their times of despair. The sentiment that "We're all in it now" overtakes the day and all heads are put together in the name of finding solutions for everyone. I've been waiting, hopefully. As they say, history repeats itself.

I'm coming more and more to the conclusion that history has either opted to sit this one out or, more frighteningly yet, that we're encountering something altogether new and unknown.

Sadly, many of my "fellow Americans" seem to have little to no interest in finding solutions for all. Many seem to find no redeeming value in uniting with their fellow countrymen instead wishing to cut them off at the knees and dance while watching them bleed. I've seen heads stomped on, dollar bills literally thrown at a terminally ill man as he sat in peaceful protest and a level of disdain for one another that I cannot recall in my lifetime.

I'm tired of being told I'm not a "true patriot" because I come from a big city on the East Coast and I like books. I'm tired of being told that conservatives are the "Values Voters", as if conservative values are the only values in existence.

I'm tired of the never ending drumbeat of those demanding our president prove he was born in this country. I'm tired of people making Senior Citizens into bandits for cashing the Social Security checks they worked long and hard for, and I'm equally tired of the Senior Citizens who, upon cashing said check, wish to cut off the spigot for the next generation.

I'm tired of hearing about people who want their country back. Exactly which America would they like to go back to? The recurring theme seems to be the America where a grown black man could be called "Boy", a secretary could be smacked in the ass as a sign of a job well done and Woolworth could tell you that they weren't going to serve you a damn thing. The offense that pining for this time in history evokes seems lost on them.

I'm tired of the screaming and howling about the government "take over" of Detroit, all the while ignoring the millions of jobs that single move saved. I'm tired of "progressives" beginning all of their negotiations from a position of compromise. I'm tired of them being weak as water and allowing both their narratives and accomplishments to be perverted and twisted into mockeries of themselves.

I'm tired of intellect and the arts being demonized as if they are a scourge on the face of society while batshit crazy theories are spouted as if their tenants are as concrete as relativity and gravity. I'm tired of hearing the Right Wing wring it's hands in worry and fear. "Attention American People: We have a black Democrat as president. The country will spontaneously burst into flames at any given moment using the bodies of your infant sons and daughters as the fuel. You don't agree with burning babies, do you?!?!?!"

I'm tired of watching politicians tell bold face lies on television and the hosts who allow them to do it. I'm tired of politicians serving their corporate masters instead of the people who actually vote them into and out of office. I'm tired of the spin. I'm tired of the rhetoric. I'm tired of this complete and total breakdown. I'm tired in anticipation of the gridlock or possible impeachment inquiry that is yet to come.

You see, we have no more Statesmen. Long gone are the days when members of Congress argued heartily on the Senate floor by day, only to break bread together by night and come away with a compromise that further's the business of the people. They are far too busy burning the midnight oil devising the best campaign strategy for an election that's 2 years away.

It's a small wonder I'm so damn tired...

Oops


Wednesday, October 13, 2010

2 weeks and 3 days...

Until moving day!

The closer it gets, the more excited I become. I'm looking forward to being in a new place, getting to decorate all over again... having wall to wall carpet again!! I really missed that! Wood floors and pets, especially dogs, tend to not mix so well. I'm constantly vacuuming up hair from along the baseboards. It falls off the animals and has nothing to stick to, so it rolls up to the walls and then just sits there. And with Cinder, we don't get dust bunnies... we get dust DRAGONS! You could all but make another dog!

Speaking of the dog, I need to remember to make a vet appointment for her. We need to get her annual checkup before we move. Once that's done... it's off to Petsmart for her! She's being sent for a Doggie Spa Day and I know just the package she's getting! They're gonna give her a shampoo bath, brushing, nail trim, ear cleaning, a little trim on the feet, toothbrushing all topped off with the Spiced Apple Pear spritz and conditioner! She's gonna smell like a million bucks!

Another cool autumn morning... think I'll go make some hot cereal.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Another rainy day...

Another rainy autumn morning... sitting on my new mattress with the lights turned off and the windows open. Morning Joe is rambling in the background while Cinder's feet twitch as she dreams of chasing a rabbit or squirrel...

I enjoy the sound of the raindrops hitting the leaves. I love the feel of the cool breeze blowing in around me. I love that when I look out my window, all I can see are trees. Their trunks are wet and so dark against their green leaves.

I have running to do today. I know I should do it now, before the meat of the storm moves in. But the bed feels so soft and the breeze feels too nice. It feels so good to just sit here and enjoy it. I'll go. Just... not now.

This is why I love it here. I love feeling summer slowly loosen it's hot grasp as the days tumble into the crisp hands of autumn. Watching the leaves on the edges of the trees slowly turn from green to yellow and orange and red... eventually filling the skyline with an explosion of the most vibrant hues of nature.

Yes, this is why I love it here.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The beginning of Autumn...

I had a blog years ago... I wrote for a bit and then I kinda sputtered out. I do that. It's a character flaw. I'm aware of it and want to change it, but apparently not enough... yet. So I've been spending a bit more time on Facebook lately... and I thought maybe if I posted it on Facebook, I'd be more likely to stick with it, since I check it quite frequently now.


I thought for sure they'd have a "blog" tab you could add to your wall, but apparently not. So I wrote something in the Notes section of Facebook... but, being a Virgo, I had to go and learn how to import a proper blog into Facebook. I have since done that. Obviously. Whatever.


Anyway... I guess I should give a kind of Reader's Digest on me. I'm Nikki. I just turned 36 years old and my husband and I have been trying for almost 2 years to have a baby. Interestingly, it's a much more difficult undertaking than the school nurse and my grandmother led me to believe. There will surely be bits about that journey in this blog, so you're warned now. Should you find yourself confused at any point, feel free to refer to the following link: http://www.babysnark.com/glossary/glossary.asp


We've heard the whole "Relax and it'll happen" and "Get drunk and it'll happen" theories... sadly, neither of those suggestions were able to address the real problem. That took a Reproductive Endocrinologist. 4 months ago, I had surgery to clear a blocked right fallopian tube, untangled my left fallopian tube and remove a slight bit of endometriosis from my uterus. Without that surgery, all the relaxing and drinking in the world wouldn't have gotten us any closer to being pregnant. So while we've been actively trying for almost 2 years, I'm only counting the time since my surgery... since those are the only months we really stood a chance.


We're quite lucky that our insurance provides any type of fertility coverage. Sadly, once you begin to add up all the co-pays and medicines and the bit that insurance won't pay... it adds up super fast. To help make things easier... we're moving out of the 3 bedroom house we've been renting and into a 2 bedroom apartment. As much as I despise moving... I'm quite looking forward to this one.


Aside from the grounds being beautiful, it having a fitness center, swimming pool, etc... but, because we're going from a house to an apartment, it's forcing us to purge. We're going through all of our things and having to let so much junk go. And it feels great! It's like finally being able to drop heavy weights that we've been dragging from place to place.


I'm gonna finish the page I was reading and then get back to packing and sorting for Saturday's community yard sale...