Falling into Fall...

The weather has been cold and the leaves on the trees have been absolutely beautiful. This is one of the times when I'm so glad to live here. I have my moments where I'd like to be somewhere warm and lush, but then I look out my window and see a landscape of golds and reds and yellows and oranges... and I think "This is good too..."

Sometimes it's good to stop, look around and find the beauty in your "every day". It's hard as hell to do sometimes... especially when you're among the ranks of the IF. It's hard not to dwell on that giant elephant sitting in the middle of living room. And we're about to enter that lovely time of year when the elephant dons it's jingle bells!

The holiday season has become increasingly... sensitive. All of the commercials, the displays, the Photo with Santa line... constant reminders of what I'm not doing. I'm not seeing the magic of the season in the eyes of my child. I'm not standing in line for Baby's 1st picture with Santa or buying Baby's First Christmas onesies.

Instead, I'm watching everyone else pass by as if I'm behind a sheet of glass. I can see the smiles on their faces... the joy in their eyes. I can see them making memories and I wonder what their lives are like. What that feels like. I wonder if they are as happy as they seem... If I'll ever be allowed to be that happy.

One down...

I'm still going strong with the TCM. The new herb blend is going down so much easier. I don't even have to hold my nose anymore!!

My digestion has been... in a word... FANTASTIC!! No pain, no bloating, no diarrhea... I am ready to say, it has been my miracle! It has done for me what nothing else could. The tests, the pills, the diet changes, the digestive enzymes... None of it was able to do what Dr. Gong has been able to do for me in no time flat! It's amazing.

Now we wait to see if it helps with the baby stuff as well!   :^)

Everything is looking very good on that front. My entire cycle has been a mass improvement from the last few months. Things had always been fairly regular for me since we'd started TTC, but things kinda went wonky around October/November of last year. I started having trouble getting good + OPK's, my temps were looking paltry and I was starting to ovulate really late. This cycle I had undeniable + OPK's, felt ovulation pains for the first time in MONTHS, ovulated on a normal cycle day...

The acupuncture is the most wonderful thing I've ever done. I recall reading about experiences of people who had undergone acupuncture and I couldn't wrap my head around how anyone could fall asleep with a bunch of needles in their skin. Now... I don't know how you couldn't. I love the fact that I basically have an appointment for an hour nap once a week!

I had also heard of people feeling "high" after a session. I hadn't experienced that until this past Friday. Based on where I am in my cycle, it was time for me to lay face down so that she could place needles in my back. This session was uber-relaxing! Usually, when my time is up the "stim" machine plays a little tune and that's what wakes me. I usually feel a touch groggy, but by the time I've gotten off the table and put my shoes on, I'm good.

This time, as I was walking down the hall... I literally felt myself listing to the left. It was like someone was leaning the hallway on me. I'd say that "high" feeling lasted for about 10 minutes or so... It was pretty wild. I'll be having the same treatment again tomorrow morning, so I'm curious to see if I have the same reaction or if it was simply because it was my first time having that type of session.

I know Dr. Gong told me TCM isn't magic... but I went to her with two problems less than 2 months ago. She's knocked one down... now there's only one to go.

What's old is new...

It's been some time since I've made an entry here... I really hadn't much to say. All of that has changed!

At the urging of a very good friend, I made a book purchase. The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis. I finished the entire book in a matter of 2 days. Upon closing it, I decided finally, that I was going to make an appointment with the Traditional Chinese Medicine doctor just down the road. It was time I made this a priority.

Last Tuesday I met Dr. Xiaoyan Gong. She was Chief Dr. in Shanghai with almost 30 years of experience. I explained all of my digestive problems going all the way back to my gallbladder surgery in 1998. I handed her all 28 charts of temps that I had and we went over the fertility stuff.

She took my pulse and told me it was very weak. She explained that my problem was stomach/spleen. The stomach takes food in, the spleen distributes the energy from that food throughout the body. She stated that my stomach was taking food in, but with my spleen not moving it around, it just leaked through my body. This, she said, explains the diarrhea, malnutrition, poor appetite, lack of energy, etc. She also noted that my tongue had a thick white coating with scallops on the sides from my teeth.

I was then set up in a room for my very first acupuncture session. I'm a needle freak, but was totally calm and for good reason. I didn't feel a single thing! She set an electromagnetic therapy device over my mid-section and hooked various needles up to an electric pulse machine before leaving me to rest for a few minutes. After checking in less than 5 mins later to make sure everything was okay, I was left for the rest of my session.

I was given a week's worth of raw herbs to brew into a tea and take every day. She warned me that they would smell and taste bad, which I already knew from my reading. We went over the herb instruction sheet, I paid her and made an appointment for that Friday morning.

Friday morning I had a wonderfully relaxing hour long acupuncture session where I actually fell asleep. By the time I got home, I was buzzing with energy! I was in a wonderfully upbeat mood, I had a great appetite and both the smell and taste of my herbs had become less unpleasant. The herb instructions say that if you have the right herb formula, the taste and smell will become more appealing and the body can crave them.

We met up again this morning and I had tons to tell her! My appetite over the weekend was fantastic. My food stayed in my system until the following day, the diarrhea has stopped, all of my movements have become solid, no stomach pains, no bloating, no gurgling and my gums have stopped bleeding when I brush my teeth. These, she said, are all good first steps as my body has begun "retaining".

All I know is that I feel better than I've felt in years. What's old is new again!

Smacked with a shamrock...

That about sums up what my head feels like right about now. I think it's safe to say I had a little too much of a good time at the party last night. That pint of Guinness is what put me over the edge, I'm sure of it. I was fine with the shots and Baileys... but once I started on that pint, things started gettin' awful wonky.

Just as everyone was about to sit down for dessert, I walked steadily and determinedly to the bathroom and awaited the onslaught. My head went dizzy and the room started to sway. I gathered myself enough to make it to my friend's bed and curled up with her cat. Her purring and warm belly were soothing, but not enough to make the room stop moving.

I could hear Danny downstairs saying at least one of us needed to go home that night to tend to the fur-children. By the time he came to check on me, I had slept a little and felt well enough to be shuffled into the car for the 15 minute drive home.

After dumping my clothes on the glider, I crawled into bed and don't remember much after that. I woke up at 4:30-ish and noticed Danny wasn't in bed... I figured he'd fallen asleep on the sofa while watching TV or surfing on his iPad. I grabbed the bottle of water from my nightstand and all but drained it before passing back out.

The next thing I knew, an icy cold body was sliding into the bed next to me. We snuggled up, got warm and fell back to sleep. By the time we woke, it was well after 10 in the morning. I missed my temp time, but considering the fact that I did a fair bit of drinking the night before and AF hasn't fully vacated the premises, I really didn't think it was that big of a deal.

The rest of the day has been spent getting caught up on episodes of Survivor, cooking shows I recorded yesterday and a few other "junk" shows. My kitchen looks like World War III took place in there, so I know what my Monday is looking like.

Yay me!

What a beautiful day...

It's 71 degrees, the sky is blue with a fair bit of white clouds and the bits of sun felt fantastically warm on my skin. There's a light breeze that has a slight chilled edge to it. If not for that, it would truly feel perfect.

I popped into Target and found a great pair of sandals for Pennsic! They were only $17.99 and I think they'll be just perfect! I went there for 2 things... a second loaf pan so that I can make more than one at a time and Zumba Fitness for the Wii. Obviously, I left with more than 2 things! But I was actually really good... I only left with 4 things: Zumba, my loaf pan, the sandals and a chocolate bar for making chocolate curls on the Baileys Chocolate Cream pie I was supposed to be making.

I couldn't wait to try Zumba, so I quickly changed my clothes, popped it in and tried the Zocalypso beginner's warm up. O...M...G! I was literally panting like a dog by the time it was over! The music was so upbeat and there were no breaks, just constant movement! I wound up going outside and standing in the hallway, letting the breeze blow all around me to help me cool off! It was a lot of fun though!

Tomorrow morning we're heading over to BJ's for some shopping. I need to pick up makings for Shepherd's Pie for J&R's St. Patrick's Day party. Every year they have a dinner party for St. Patrick's Day. They bake brown bread to have with blackberry jam & Irish tea, then Robin makes Corned Beef & Cabbage. Our old friend F used to make Guinness Stew, but since she doesn't hang with us anymore, my Shepherd's Pie has taken the place of her stew.

After dinner, we all sit around and have shots of Tullamore Dew Irish Whiskey and pints of Guinness while listening to all sorts of Irish music, talking, laughing and just having a great time! Then it's dessert & Baileys over ice! It's a nice tradition and I look forward to it every year.

Well, according to the clock... it's time for me to go and collect my darling husband from the train station. The weekend with my better half... my favorite part of the week!

Another Month...

Another bust.

This time stings more... for a variety of reasons. My temps were one reason. They looked really good and parts of the pattern were different than usual, so hope crept into my heart. Then the decline started and I knew inside that it was over. I hoped my temps would rebound once I adjusted to the time change, but truly, after 2 days of declining temps, I knew it was only a matter of time.

Time. Something I feel that I have so little of. I worry how much it's working against me, how much time is actually left on the game clock and whether or not I can eek out a "win" before the whistle blows.

It's ironic... I made my mind up very early that I was NOT going to be an unwed teen mother. I was going to get married and then start a family. That was the right way, the responsible way to do things... and how I'm being rewarded for my responsible choices!

Sometimes I think if I were to make all the wrong choices... maybe then everything would fall into place... Because it sure seems like everyone else gets what they want easily enough. Babies are given to young girls who put them into dumpsters or to unbalanced women who drown them in bathtubs.

Life just feels a bit more unfair right now than usual.

An Apple a Day...

or a slight variation thereof.

Sadly... the pills I crowned as "miracles" worked for a short period of time before things seemed to revert to their old ways.

Since then, I've committed fully and completely to the G-free life. I've also begun taking 1 tbsp of Bragg's unfiltered organic Apple Cider Vinegar every morning. We put it in a shot glass and top it off with V8.

Initially, I was not keen on the regimen. I turned my nose up at it and the whole bit. Imagine my surprise when I began developing an actual taste for my morning shot! It has a ketchup-y kind of quality to it... which makes sense when you consider the 2 main ingredients in ketchup are tomatoes and vinegar.

I've learned my lesson so I'm reticent to claim victory... but I will say that my tummy has been quiet, not bloated and pain free. My bowel movements have become much firmer and MUCH less frequent. All things that I've been hoping and praying for.

I'm really hopeful that I'm finally on the right track to getting my body "normal". I can't help but feel the clock bearing down on me...

Oops

It's a new dawn...

Yesterday evening on the way to get Danny from the train station, I stopped and checked the mailbox. I all but jumped out of my skin when I saw a small priority mail box jammed inside. MY OTHER PILLS!!! I couldn't wait to eat!!

I took one of each pill right before we sat down to a dinner of smoked turkey sausage and applesauce. Danny and I sat watching Bobby Flay have a throwdown with Tony Luke. All was quiet. No gurgling, no bloating, no cramping.

A while later, we're watching the Glee special that aired after the Super Bowl (on the DVR) and I felt kinda hungry. So I went out to the kitchen to rustle myself up an old favorite. I actually have my big sister to thank for introducing me to this one! The Veggie Sandwich!! :^)

We found this awesome G-free bread at our grocery store! It's actually light and airy and not like a fuckin' brick! My only complaint is that the loaves are really small and they cost $5.99... It's like smurf sized bread. But I digress...

I toasted up some bread, sliced a tomato, an avocado and ripped up some green leaf lettuce. I decided to do a little test and let myself enjoy a healthy dose of mayo. OMG!!! It was soooo good! The bread and the veggies and the mayo... it all blended together in a perfect combination of flavors.

But the best part? Here I had eaten a fair bit within a few hours and for the first time in a really long time, I felt fantastic!! No cramping, no bloating, no gurgling and no blazing a trail to the bathroom!! I slept peacefully, not once waking with a stomach pain or the sensation that a bomb was about to explode in my colon.

It's a new day and the only thing I feel right now is my tummy growling because it's hungry for breakfast... and that's a sensation I can live with!!

Through the Medical Looking Glass...

Generally speaking, Google is NOT your friend when it comes to health problems. Within 4 clicks you'll be convinced you've got Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma with less than a week to live! But every once in a while, you'll find something that doesn't make your hair instantly burst into flames. That's where I am right now.

After having tummy problems in '96-'97, I was finally properly diagnosed with gallstones and had surgery to remove my gallbladder in Dec. '98. Within a few years, I began to experience some pretty nasty problems that became progressively worse. Abdominal cramping, bloating, excess gas and chronic diarrhea had become a part of my every day life.

I voiced my concerns to my Dr. who took me through a round of IBS meds, ultrasounds, an Upper GI with small bowel follow through all wrapping up with a lovely colonoscopy. Each and every test came back with normal results. At the peak of my symptoms I dropped from a size 18 to a size 4 and had anywhere from 12-24 bouts of diarrhea PER DAY. Tired of banging my head on the wall and paying $30 a pop only to hear "Everything's normal"... I gave up on the Dr.

I was talking about this with a friend on a message board a few days ago and I typed the word "malabsorption", as malnutrition was brought up. The word was underlined in red as if it were either misspelled or not a word. I decided to quickly run to Google just to make sure I wasn't a dumb ass. Little did I know, this was the entrance to my rabbit hole.

The malabsorption link led to a steatorrhea (excessive amounts of fat in the stool) link. The first 2 sentences describing steatorrhea were all too familiar. Further down the page under the heading Possible Biological Causes was having the gallbladder removed in a cholecystectomy. BINGO! We have a winner!!

I finally had a name... and a cause! The next question was obvious "Now what do I do about it?" I couldn't click fast enough. Tumbling further and further down the rabbit hole, each query unearthing more and more piles of information, some relevant and worthy of bookmarking, some not. I read with hungry eyes about things I had never heard of like digestive enzymes and a pill to help the digestive system run more smoothly designed specifically for those who have had gallbladder surgery.

I found that 80% of gallbladder patients will go on to live normal lives without incident. My dad is one of those. The other 20%... that's a different story. Those patients will experience chronic diarrhea most cases will resolve themselves within a few weeks. Then there's a smaller group yet... those rare cases will persist for many years and CAN BE TREATED.

While it may sound nice to have all the fat you eat rush out of your body without being processing, it's really not good for you. There are certain things associated with fat that you need. Fat soluble vitamins like A, D & E not to mention Omega-3's. I learn I'm not getting any of it... no matter how much of it I eat, my body can't digest the fat, so I can't get the good stuff. And the weight loss? Oh yeah. This is good. Weight loss isn't even evident until it gets pretty bad.

This was when my blood began to boil. After all the Dr's appointments, all the tests... They had my medical history right in front of them in black and white! Not a single one of them had connected the dots. For the first time in almost 10 years... I had answers and possible solutions.

I was told about the 80% of patients, I should have been told about the other 20%. I should have been told what to do if I happened to become one of those 20%. I should have been told about that pill. It's only been in existence since 1956 for God sake!

I had my answers. My mind turned to our struggle with trying for a baby and I felt like a light had been flipped on for the first time. If my system is struggling to get enough nutrients just to keep me going, and doing a crap job at that if I do say so myself... there's gotta be NO WAY it would allow another person to ride along for 9 months. How would I sustain it when I can barely sustain myself?

I spent the weekend drinking tons of water, eating an extremely low fat diet and plenty of fruit. My digestive enzymes have arrived and I'm looking forward to taking them. I'm still anxiously waiting for the other bottle of pills to arrive... they've been reviewed as "miracle pills" that other sufferers swear they'll take for the rest of their lives.

So today is the first day. I'm looking forward to being able to say "Everything's normal" and have it finally be true...

A new year with new ideas...

I'm alive.

I haven't done anything so far this cycle. No soy, no OPKs, no ferning microscope... hell, I only checked my cervix for the first time today. I'm still temping, obviously. I've never really been stressed by temping and it's so much an automatic habit anymore, so I'm fine with that.

I ordered a couple of things from Amazon. I ordered a book called Inconceivable by Julia Indichova and a yoga DVD set called Restoring Fertility. I found the book used for $4.87, which was a steal! The DVD was regular priced, but I'm a bit excited about it.

The DVD was designed by Brandon Horn and Wendy Yu, two of the most knowledgeable Chinese medicine practitioners working in the specialty field of infertility. They've broken down the sessions by phase of cycle, so there are 4 different sessions, one each for your menstrual phase, follicular phase, ovulatory phase and luteal phase.

They explain how we're always encouraged to exercise when TTC. Each session has postures that focus on supporting what your body is trying to accomplish during that phase (shedding lining, building follies, transporting egg through tubes, implanting, etc). I've seen plenty of Prenatal Yoga DVDs, but I hadn't seen much on fertility... let alone something that focuses so much on the individual phases of the cycle, so I figured I'd give it a shot. Granted, I missed out on the first 2 phases for this cycle, but no matter.

Inconceivable is about a woman who, upon trying for her 2nd child, discovers she has an FSH of 42 (ovaries not producing fertilizable eggs) While this is not my issue, this book hit home for me in so many ways. I identified with her in so many different places and different ways. The age issue she faced, her thoughts, her fears. I related to just about every experience of doctor's offices and waiting rooms, wondering if your Dr. actually knows who you are or if you're just another chart and overhearing conversations from other women.

I identified with her feelings of guilt for wanting "more" when she had so much already... The ups and downs and everything in between, she tells other women's stories towards the end and it seemed in so many ways that they were also my story. The same tests, the same drugs, the same procedures... all in the same order... all with the same outcome.

To make a long story short... she pretty much gets herself off of the Western Medicine roller coaster and starts looking at more natural approaches to bettering herself through the foods they ate, herbs, etc. I found a bit of kinship in that as well, because I was raised with a lot of natural remedies that were handed down from my Grandmother. The author tries a lot of stuff, some of which makes you laugh! But she makes some pretty serious changes to her family's life/diet/etc with fantastic results.

So, while I'm not tossing my chicken wings out the window and jumping on the next New Age Veggie wagon out of town... It was an uplifting read at a time when I needed lifting. It was both encouraging and thought provoking. It seemed to reaffirm thoughts I'd already had.

I've made mention of the digestive troubles I have and I've often wondered to myself if that is a road block on Baby Blvd. I've wondered if my body won't let me get pregnant while my digestive system is in such a state of flux.

Needless to say, I've got plenty of food for thought and topics for research...