It's been a while...

I haven't written anything here for... well, a long damn time. I've never really gotten too many comments or anything on here, so I guess it's been kinda easy to just kinda slink away and not feel like anyone is "watching" so to speak...

So much has happened since my last entry. Some good... some not so good. I'm trying my very best to roll with the flow and live with a more positive outlook and expectation, but I've gotta be honest... sometimes old habits die hard.

When I last wrote, I went into the insurance bombshell that was dropped on us and we've since had to let our COBRA go. It was hard to do and really heartbreaking for me. Even though we didn't have enough coverage left to pursue IVF, it was just hard to let go of what little bit of coverage we did have left. It felt like watching sand slip through my fingers. I think that really took a lot of the remaining wind I had left, out of my sails.

I felt really depressed about it all... like my last shot had just gone up in smoke. I pretty much withdrew... I stopped going to my message board, I stopped commenting as much in Facebook groups with TTC friends... I just kinda disappeared. And the thing that made me feel more depressed was that it appeared as though hardly anyone noticed.

If I'm being completely honest... the vast majority of them have been blessed with pregnancy, so their lives are certainly filled with lots of other things. Diapers, bottles, strollers and for some... second babies and even surrogate babies. I get it. infertility, if it was even a part of their journey, is now in their rear view mirror and while I'm happy for them, it still feels sad and lonely to be left behind and never even get the occasional email or text to say "You're not forgotten" or "We remember"...

I still haven't gone back to the message board... Part of me wonders if I ever will. It just isn't the support for me that it used to be and after 4 years, you get a little tired of reintroducing yourself and retelling your story every few months because the folks who knew you are in Due Date Clubs now.

Danny has since moved on to a new job. It's really excellent and his future looks so extremely bright, I couldn't be happier. The company is European and his benefits package reflects it... lots of vacation time, sick time, personal time, Bank Holidays, etc... and he's really respected, which is the most important.

As it stands now with regard to our TTC... any further procedures will be on us. We no longer have any insurance coverage for our infertility. It's a pretty horrible feeling to know that you've got a disease, are insured and can't get treatment for it. Maybe because infertiles live, we don't have visible signs of disease, you can't tell by looking at us how riddled we are.

We know it's likely IVF or nothing for us. I would love a surprise natural baby, but after crossing the 4 year threshold, it's time to wrap my head around it. We were thinking about pursuing Shared Risk, but by the time we'd have the funds available to do it, it looks like I'd be past their cut off age for using my own eggs. Since they guarantee you a baby or your money back, they have an age cutoff. I don't know if that's something that is determined on a case by case basis... like if I had rockin' egg quality at the time if they'd let me use them or not... But at this point, I'm going to take them at their word (39 or over only with donor eggs).

It looks like our best bet is going to be a Multiple Cycle option. This has no age restrictions, but there are also no guarantees. Basically, for the Multiple Cycle deal, you get 2 fresh IVF cycles, unlimited FET's and the freezing and first year's storage of any snow peas. The thing that has me most hopeful is the fact that their FET success rates are almost identical to their fresh cycle rates. There are a couple of great things about that... 1) we wouldn't feel compelled to transfer a higher number of embryos in an effort to "maximize our chances", 2) we wouldn't have as much worry about multiples and 3) for argument sake, say after our 1st fresh cycle we had 4 snow peas... we could, theoretically, do 4 FET's for FREE before even beginning the 2nd fresh IVF.

I haven't gotten any numbers or costs yet, because I don't believe we'd be financially ready to go that route this year. We're trying to lower our outgoing bills to free up some savings; changes to where we buy food, more fuel efficient car with a lower payment, etc and Danny's job is bonus eligible... so we've earmarked his first bonus for IVF.

We wanted to take a trip somewhere, but have decided to keep it local to help with the savings. Instead, we'll do trips to the beach, Hershey Park, Great Adventure or Dorney Park. I'm hoping to make a trip to Washington, DC for the RESOLVE Advocacy Day on May 8th. It's a day full of training, information and appointments with your senators and representatives to let them hear the voices and see the faces of infertility, to ask for their support with The Family Act which would provide tax credits for out of pocket IVF costs & fertility preservation for those with cancer or other fertility threatening diseases as well as the Women Veterans and Other Heath Care Improvement Act, which would provide access to fertility treatment for severely wounded veterans and their spouses by the VA. These folks put their lives on the line to defend our dreams, the least we can do is help them realize their own.

I haven't registered yet because I want to be certain I can make it. I don't want appointments in my name to have to be cancelled because of an oversight or something. I'd also like to see how many points we've earned on our Amex and if I might be able to use some of them for the trip.

I'm also thinking of attending the Walk of Hope on June 22nd.

I think it might be really good for me... Remind myself that I'm not as alone as I feel and that I might be able to make a difference.